I write this blog to help me figure things out. Whether it be political events or my personal life. If one other person reads what I write and it clicks, it feels like it has all been worthwhile.
I married a narcissist. There’s no more trying to avoid this fact any longer. Were there early signs of the narcissism? I suppose there were. But I guess I chose to ignore them. Why? I was in love. I felt on top of the world. And I suppose on many levels I thought I would never be the victim of said narcissist’s abuse. (I mean obviously he loved me too much to ever hurt me, right?) So I moved from year to year ignoring the many signs. Convincing myself that a little distrust in a relationship is natural. That I was actually in a perfectly normal marriage. But no I was not.
I am not going to pick apart every single betrayal and lie. For one thing that’s something for a whole book, not just a single blog. I know I should have done things differently, and I didn’t. But I am tired of blaming myself. The past is over and I need to focus on the future. For my son’s sake.
You see as the parent of a child with special needs, having a narcissist as the other parent presents a whole other host of challenges (that’s an understatement). Now if my son was neuro-typical (I do hate that term, but I use it to denote the difference in the mind of an autistic person), I could sit down and discuss the reality of the situation about his father. He’s nearly 15 years old, and most 15 year olds would be able to understand that this behaviour wasn’t their fault and that they did nothing wrong. But with my son, it’s completely different. He trusts unconditionally. He loves unconditionally. And when I say E. wouldn’t hurt a fly, I mean that quite literally. So how do I navigate this roller coaster of emotions with my son?
Basically, this narcissistic parent is non-existent in his son’s life. That seems on many levels like this should be a positive scenario. And if E. was NT*, it may well be. But with E. it’s not. He misses his father. And truth be told, when his father was around, he wasn’t a bad dad. He just was more focussed on himself and his “other” life. E. was just a small part of his existence. One which means virtually nothing to him now.
So what should I do? How do you answer the questions? Why doesn’t my dad love me any longer? He, does E. (lie #1, how can a parent love a child and fully abandon them). Why is my dad never around? He works far away E. (lie #2, as he hasn’t worked in 5 months and when he was it was rotational and he had much time off).
I have read tons about narcissistic personality disorder. Trying to make sense of it, to help with my own healing process. I now have the coping mechanisms to deal with the life I was wrapped up in for 15 years. But I still feel deeply unable to help my son. He is getting older. I don’t want him to feel negativity towards his father. But equally how do you keep plugging that void in his life? There’s much written about children of narcissistic parents. But very little written about children with special needs and a narcissistic parent. Of course I can deduce from my own education on the subject that said parent is embarrassed by his autistic son. Let’s face it, autism is much easier to hide in an adorable little blue-eyed boy. Much more difficult when that cute kid becomes a slightly odd teen. Nevermind, what adulthood will bring.
I have the facts. I have the knowledge. But now I have the reality of trying to figure out how to raise my son without his father, and how to explain this to him as he grows into a man. I don’t pretend to have the answers. There isn’t a day which passes when I don’t question if I am doing what is best for E. But everyday, I hug my son. I tell him I love him more than anything. And he knows he has a secure parent in me, who will never leave him. Is this enough? I don’t know. But it’s the best I can do at this time.
I love you E., to the moon and back.