Narcissism and parenting

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I write this blog to help me figure things out. Whether it be political events or my personal life. If one other person reads what I write and it clicks, it feels like it has all been worthwhile.

I married a narcissist. There’s no more trying to avoid this fact any longer. Were there early signs of the narcissism? I suppose there were. But I guess I chose to ignore them. Why? I was in love. I felt on top of the world. And I suppose on many levels I thought I would never be the victim of said narcissist’s abuse. (I mean obviously he loved me too much to ever hurt me, right?) So I moved from year to year ignoring the many signs. Convincing myself that a little distrust in a relationship is natural. That I was actually in a perfectly normal marriage. But no I was not.

I am not going to pick apart every single betrayal and lie. For one thing that’s something for a whole book, not just a single blog. I know I should have done things differently, and I didn’t. But I am tired of blaming myself. The past is over and I need to focus on the future. For my son’s sake.

You see as the parent of a child with special needs, having a narcissist as the other parent presents a whole other host of challenges (that’s an understatement). Now if my son was neuro-typical (I do hate that term, but I use it to denote the difference in the mind of an autistic person), I could sit down and discuss the reality of the situation about his father. He’s nearly 15 years old, and most 15 year olds would be able to understand that this behaviour wasn’t their fault and that they did nothing wrong. But with my son, it’s completely different. He trusts unconditionally. He loves unconditionally. And when I say E. wouldn’t hurt a fly, I mean that quite literally. So how do I navigate this roller coaster of emotions with my son?

Basically, this narcissistic parent is non-existent in his son’s life. That seems on many levels like this should be a positive scenario. And if E. was NT*, it may well be. But with E. it’s not. He misses his father. And truth be told, when his father was around, he wasn’t a bad dad. He just was more focussed on himself and his “other” life. E. was just a small part of his existence. One which means virtually nothing to him now.

So what should I do? How do you answer the questions? Why doesn’t my dad love me any longer? He, does E. (lie #1, how can a parent love a child and fully abandon them). Why is my dad never around? He works far away E. (lie #2, as he hasn’t worked in 5 months and when he was it was rotational and he had much time off).

I have read tons about narcissistic personality disorder. Trying to make sense of it, to help with my own healing process. I now have the coping mechanisms to deal with the life I was wrapped up in for 15 years. But I still feel deeply unable to help my son. He is getting older. I don’t want him to feel negativity towards his father. But equally how do you keep plugging that void in his life? There’s much written about children of narcissistic parents. But very little written about children with special needs and a narcissistic parent. Of course I can deduce from my own education on the subject that said parent is embarrassed by his autistic son. Let’s face it, autism is much easier to hide in an adorable little blue-eyed boy. Much more difficult when that cute kid becomes a slightly odd teen. Nevermind, what adulthood will bring.

I have the facts. I have the knowledge. But now I have the reality of trying to figure out how to raise my son without his father, and how to explain this to him as he grows into a man. I don’t pretend to have the answers. There isn’t a day which passes when I don’t question if I am doing what is best for E. But everyday, I hug my son. I tell him I love him more than anything. And he knows he has a secure parent in me, who will never leave him. Is this enough? I don’t know. But it’s the best I can do at this time.

I love you E., to the moon and back.

*NT- neuro-typical

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Did you know…Scotland is NOT too poor

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As most pro-independence supporters do, I grow ever more tired of unionists in Scotland clamouring over themselves to tell us how poor Scotland is. Without our great big neighbours to the south, we’d be a country akin to Haiti.

So I did a little digging this morning and found some facts about Scotland’s economy. After you read them, you decide if Scotland would be not only okay, but probably better off without the UK government absorbing our revenue.

Did you know the value of exports from Scotland (excluding oil and gas) was £23.9 billion last year?

Did you know North Sea oil and gas contributed £35 billion to the UK Treasury in 2014?

Did you know Scottish whisky contributes over £4.25 billion to the UK econonmy (and growing)?

Did you know Scottish whisky accounts for a massive 25% of ALL food and drink revenue in the UK?

Did you know Scottish salmon was the BIGGEST food export in the UK in 2014?

Did you know exports of farmed Scottish salmon have tripled in the last decade?

Did you know Scotland produces 28% of Europe’s PCs and 29% of Europe’s notebooks?

I haven’t even touched on the massive amounts of revenue brought in by tourism, textiles, the games industry (based in Dundee and Edinburgh), or the incredible potential for renewables. But I assume most people who digest and read these facts are pretty clever and can dig up even more proof of the inexhaustive list of goods, services and resources this country produces.

I have only used a few sources here, here, and here. But there is a plethora of information out there telling us what a wealth of riches we have here in Scotland.

As much as naysayers would love for us to think we’d all be living in boxes without the “safety” of Westminster to prop us up. In fact, we’d actually be wealthier not paying for things like Trident and English-centric vanity projects (Crossrail and HS2). Not to mention forever trying to financially mitigate massive cuts by a government in London, that Scotland didn’t vote for.

So no, Scotland you aren’t too poor. In fact you have an embarrassment of riches. We will be just fine with full control over ALL revenue. And just think of all the decisions we can make here in Scotland with OUR money. We are actually pretty clever folk.

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